Event Horizon

Part three of an unnamed work in progress. Here are parts one and two: My Star and A Coat of Sunshine

Time to talk about the song.

When my son last visited, he played this song a lot on our Bluetooth speaker while he and his girlfriend and my daughter stayed up all hours playing board games (while I tried to sleep in the master suite of the ranch on the other side of the door). It’s a song he really feels, like the movie. At the first notes, when it comes on the radio now when he is not present, I immediately change it. To “control” my sadness. I try to avoid thinking about him and his sadness and his addiction, him as Bradley Cooper in the movie. It just hurts too much.

It was the mention of the movie and allusion to the song in passing on social media that stemmed this writing spree in me though. I connected with a fellow English teacher-poet on Instagram where I usually just post and go without actually socializing. I am one to put a song on repeat for hours, for days, to feel, to lose myself in the zone, to somewhere it seems I am being led, but only hitting repeat on max volume on my earbuds and a lot of patience simply lingering at the portal is necessary. To let myself feel without thinking for once. For a long while…

I listened to the soundtrack while sweating through yard work. Then I watched the video… and cried. What a sad movie. One of his favorites, of course. I could never remove the movie from myself now. I didn’t know that that Instagram post I “ran across” by someone I did not yet “follow” would lead me here, to pouring out prose, whether or not I post it or lock it up. I knew it was going to mean something though. I believe strongly in paths crossing for reasons.

I need this. To let my fingers fly free across the keyboard in prose again. To feel the release that comes from that and also through music.

I connect the most in songs to the non-words, the soul eruptions that exceed alpha-translation. That is what pain and love is, after all. And the fall. For me, it is the rise of the wailing “uhs” and “ohs,” and in voices like Lady Gaga’s and Calum Scott’s (“Dancing On My Own”).

In “Shallow,” that point is the moment of free fall. And free fall… could end or not end in a limited number of ways, albeit in limitless places, could be initiated or not initiated for so many reasons, could be the beginning or the end. For me, regarding all of this, it is that push to the edge at the end of my marriage, when I could no longer breathe, and my panic-attacked heart raced as if it were going to give out once and for all. The 2:42 point of no return is when I leapt, screaming on the way down that I have had all I could take, not being able to see the bottom, leaping entirely with the final no-turning-back point of faith, faith I would crash through the mirage of the surface into the “anything more than this.”

I am happy to report, it was the best jump I ever made. The one that saved me. I didn’t want to have wings. I just wanted to crash through it to the other side. Full speed. Once and for all. 

I am also keenly aware that others feel that same desperateness and take the leap to leave this life altogether. The song’s narrator makes it clear she will never meet the ground though. I feel a need and calling to string nets for every jumper off course. So they are forced back up and can only pass through the same portal as me and her, only with faith and courage. In the more that is here in this life.

May angels escort each at the edge. To safety. To life. 

Love’s Melody

More sister soul sharing…

I just connected with this beautiful soul through Instagram. I have made very few connections through IG, but they sure are among my most spiritually impactful. This song is just one of those that simply strokes like a harp my soul, brings up tears from wells too far deep within to stir the waters any other way than through music and song. (Wow to composer Tash Nidai!) 

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I have found myself replaying this song in the very early morning hours. I thought not only must I share it with you but see what dance my fingers would perform over the keyboard of my laptop here in the dark…

I find since experiencing true love for the first time in my life, and what I feel to be the purest and highest love possible between souls, such songs slip gracefully through, weave in and out of, my soul as love songs about both him and Him. Because they are so similar to me, when God blesses you with the one to love you as He does.

So I feel this song as I walk alone through a field of wildflowers in a flowing dress, running my fingers along the natural growth, arms open like wings, sun kissing me, grateful for His beautiful gifted creation that is such a part of me. I feel this song as I think of the one who loves me; no words can touch upon the feelings, but words set to the most beautiful music sung by a most beautiful voice, poetry set to music…it’s more than I can do to try to convey it as simply a poet. Lastly, I feel this song as a sad but still beautiful one, thinking about those who have lost the love of their life for now, how such love simply lives on and can carry us through until we connect again. Here are my photos and poem inspired by this song… 

At the spring
of our eternal love,
white spring flowers
bloom from the trees.

My weightless soul,
though still 
embodied,
flies with the birds
above the sea.

Bare feet sink
into the endless heavens of
the warm, white, sugar sand
as your natural sweetness
transmits through
my open hand,

Upon my soft cheek,
a tear rests,
tenderly clinging,
not wanting to part
from the kiss.

In a garden
of white bell-blooms,
only the breeze
rings through me
with supreme truths.

These are the ways
I feel your love,
my God and my soulmate;
the love from you both
fills and lifts me,
beyond depth and height.

Love is best measured
by lightness and light. 

Poem and images ©LauraDenise.

Love’s Lyrics

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Never have my fingers frozen
above the dance floor of the keyboard;
my muses still are singing
and the music,
more beautiful than ever before.

It is this love that stills me,
leaves me so enchantedly stunned,
these alpha-characters suddenly seeming
so insufficient.

Every feeling filling me,
extraterrestrial transcendence;
this love lifts me
so far above this English,

beyond spoken language
of any kind.
My fingers above this keyboard
make my soul sigh;

soul knows the limitations,
wants to be exposed,
outside of this body
wants to simply show

what this love feels like.

img_9437Poem and images ©LauraDenise

Colliding Light

This song came up on my playlist as I was beginning my yard work after my first day back to my classroom when this small wildflower caught my eye. When you are a poet-photographer-believer-passionate teacher, such a thing can become life changing, lol. I was so moved by the way the sinking sun was highlighting the flower. After looking like a fool in my front yard (as usual) photographing it, I hit replay on the song while I mowed the lawn, thinking about my own personal journey. I knew I would need to stay up a little past bedtime to write about it.

First of all, good gracious what an absolutely beautiful and inspiring song! I had heard of the artist, but not that song. If you know anything about me, you know I have a thing for wildflowers. I just see such stories in them, even (especially?) in the “weeds.” So often underfoot and overlooked, I am drawn in to observe them up close; I like to portray them as majestically as possible, to showcase their extreme beauty.

I’ll let the poetry (and unedited images) take over from here…

“Colliding Light”

Little yellow wildflower,
it is your turn to shine,
can’t tell if the beams
are coming down as blessings
from heaven or bursting
forth from your soul inside.

Perhaps the two are being joined

since you finally put fear aside
and went after the dreams
you for too long denied

yourself. Yourself… your self…
So much time
you spent focusing on everyone
else…

Who are you? You’ve always known,
simply forgotten, buried too many
of your needs, kept them beneath
with doubt drought,

but need and dream seeds
eventually sprout;
there is no holding them
down.

You are in bloom,
your joy bursting,
and the Son
shines down
in happiness.

Yes, a mix
of bliss and blessings
I simultaneously see
when self-love and -care
are witnessed by
His Majesty.

Both ways,
the rays
reach…
and meet,
the radiance
of the heart
outwardly seen.

Words and images ©LauraDenise

Leaning on You

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deep exhale

let it all go

leaning on you

close enough

to home

 

respite from the world

untouchable on your shoulder

lay all defenses down

in my safe harbor

 

your laughter shakes me

as dreams flood in

through the open doors

I trust you are guarding

 

I permit myself

to float away free

in this utopian moment

so absent of worries

 

just you and me

and surrounding friends

good times, music

carefreeness

immortal again

 

Last Drop

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A deeper connection

lingers, clings

to the last drop

of hope,

frozen in time

to allow us one last

opportunity

to catch

its saving, quenching sustenance

to coat

that ache, that thirst, that rawness

for what our souls

were created to desire.

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I reach for you

in a moment of vulnerability,

in a moment in which I am blind and free,

in a moment silenced,

frozen in time.

I let my reach

retreat

and the chance of a deeper connection

falls,

altering all

that could be…

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Reflecting on why it’s so hard to simply love one another…

Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin now with me…and you.

I Believe

Daybreak is near. I feel the twinges of melancholy I hoped to sleep off stirring.

I’ve been on an incredible positive mental-health streak lately. Even though romantic love is an area I have to do healing work with daily, as someone who has never experienced it (returned), I had a very happy Valentine’s Day. I’ve grown enough to appreciate that love is the meaning of life, that it comes in all kinds of non-romantic ways just as powerfully.

I recognize the minor thing that poked my old wound, that just happened to occur on the national love day. I’m not worried about its unexpected negative effect on me. I’m absolutely confident in my competence in defending the peace of mind, heart, and soul I’ve gotten glimpses of in recent months: I will guard it all costs, will never again even temporarily relinquish it voluntarily, will fight to keep it even if against my will, forces beyond my control attempt to rob me of it.

But that does not mean returning to denial.

I was married to an alcoholic for decades. My morals kept me committed. Denial is inevitable, I think, in such relationships. I pushed down and back tears as a way of life, a way of survival, a way to be as strong and stable as (outwardly) possible for my children. As much as I refuse to backslide in my personal mental health now, I don’t think banning, forbidding, tears is the way to go.

We all feel the ups and downs in life, all have similar internal weather systems. As much as overcast, rainy days are unappreciated by many of us, they are natural and necessary. I don’t think the way to go is for everyone to pretend (publicly, on social media especially) they only experience the sun, especially with the shadows cropped out or photoshopped. I don’t believe in dwelling on/in the gray, staying too focused on the puddles. My spirit is one who has always felt empowered by storms, who raises my arms in the rain. I think that’s the way to go: to embrace it, become refreshed, recharged, reborn after the emotional release of tears falling.

I let a few gently, silently fall early this morning, sipping coffee, with one of my favorite songs loudly playing in my earbuds, permitting emotions to surface in my mental controlled environment. (I can’t let them run entirely loose and wild; I surround them in a corral of countering positive affirmations.)

My raw wound that never seems to fully close up, my worst-case scenario, is the deep-down “what if I will always feel this alone in the pit of me?” But then “I remember” I have never been and never will be alone. Because I am a believer. Because God has always been fully with me, has always known every truth and lie in my heart, has always known where I’m headed before I get there. And no matter how much I can’t understand His plan sometimes (well, most of the time), I have never lost faith that He has one specifically for me.

I am a private person. Probably because I used to hide most aspects of my personal life, as most do in unhealthy home environments. I have always been a private person when it comes to my faith, too. I am not one to talk about Jesus publicly (and I’ve never actually even felt close to Jesus, just God). I do believe there is great, great power in collective public prayer, though. I think about how silenced believers have become this day in age, probably out of fear from all the ruckus from non-believers. I am realizing lately how dangerous this is, though. We can’t believe Peter denied Jesus three times, yet aren’t we becoming Peter? We are becoming silent. From fear? Is it forgivable? When the time comes, I don’t want God to ask where I was in his name and honor when he was there unconditionally for me. God would never deny I am his loved child.

I do actively vote in His name. I bring my daughter to the polls with me. Beyond that, I avoid the political arena at all costs. I will never fight on the side of nonbelievers, though. I will never fight… Because of my personal issues, I am inclined to flight, a lover, not a fighter. But we can indirectly fight with love. It always comes down to love.

As I discover for the first time who I really am, I cannot separate my faith from my soul: they are one. My faith has always, especially in my darkest hours, been my saving grace. I have always known, have never, ever doubted that God has a plan for me, and I have always felt it is a big one, a unique one, perhaps one not even intended to be realized in this short lifetime. But now, I have a sense that it’s time for me to honor Him more publicly, perhaps through my gifts, my granted talents, perhaps like this, by beginning to use my voice and not denying

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and Earth

and me.

02/15/20

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This Is

Sunrise kisses brushed upon eyelids,

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Quenching drops nourishing, renewing, the spirit,

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Velvet petals caressing the flesh, erasing false perfections,

inner seeds in ecstasy sacrificially spilling,

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Breezes always joyfully willing

to carefully carry the heart’s deepest wishes,

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Lonely floating feathered silhouettes receiving comforting sunset ripples,

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Faithful mutually blooming companion, a bud always returning,

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Upon a pure canvas, watercolors mixing,

slowly, beautifully messily dripping,

fluid, never fully setting,

in the swirling abstract showing

what each individual soul has mourned, is yearning…

This is poetry.

And art. And music.

And, I suppose,

love.

 

All words and images ©LauraDenise

Flight

The flock of birds that appeared during the rising of the song I was listening to on my morning walk really moved me…

Love, music, nature

all seem to strum the same inner strings,

playing different chords, forming

melodies that make the heart hum

and the soul sing.

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As the birds in formation burst forth to meet the sun,

so my heart and soul leap up to follow,

but this body, for now, keeps my core anchored,

like a planet with a burning center

 

that longs to flow,

free.