“Whatcha doin’?” my teacher friend across the outdoor space between our classroom doors says, popping her head out.
“Just capturing poems I’ve passed by,” I say, still hunched over close to the sandy ground just before school started. “You know.”
I captured the wildflower oasis and the non-fool’s gold recently but have since discovered the plank in the magical world beneath our giant steps…
Peace of Plank
I wish I could have been afforded the plank instead of all the times each “he” just yanked my never-grounded footing away, the sharks themselves. The plank in the desert beneath me now, still symbolic of how we can feel so nudged toward the apparent doom to drown, prisoners and victims until the spell is unbound and we are able to see that the moat was always a mirage, and we always possessed the power to simply step off into the safety of our selves, trusting God would never let us down, and if we ever did get pushed into the deep, what He personally pre-planted within us each would be all the buoyancy we need.
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Perhaps the storms are simply meant to rouse our inner empowerment,
faraway rumbles culminating into the now, waking from hibernation the reminder of the how,
for fate is passive sitting ducks, and destiny the arms in the winds resurrecting the self up,
believing in the achieving part of dreams, rousing the soul to with that single bird, despite the conditions,
I dance in the rain, and the bird wishes it were me; we chat about exchanging wings and feet but decide each are intentionally meant to propel, and here we are together celebrating freedom from cage and cell.
The pull of the day, of the years, of everyone’s needs leaves shadows and cavities from ebb’s never-ending taking, but the sun’s reflection warms me in oranges, and the glow stays. The light one way or another will illuminate, independent of ever reaching that haunted, hollowed space.
Not a beanstalk, but it might as well be, magic seeds sprouting the way to giant dreams, and in the center, a sunbeam passes through a hole in a leaf purposefully to reach me, or is it simply that light is at the center of all belief?
Insignificant the manmade pier seems, foolishly leading horizontally…
Moments drip drop, first molecules floating to fall, and when the basin is filled, our time is up.
Let me taste each one individually upon my upturned mouth.
May I spend the least amount in flood or drought, paned, sheltered or drowned.
Let me feel it all though; to offer an umbrella or call me inside is to deny me each elixir dose to my soul’s life.
Moments shared with others, even fleeting in passing, make up the ocean of emotion that fills and propels me most deeply.
When the last sun sets, I know I cannot take any drops with even though they became a part of my very composition, but heaven is in the clouds for a reason, and I believe from these drops within, another birthing will begin…
I have always been one to so easily lose myself, to be lured so very far away, in a painting, a song, a window…
In the years of his cussing at me, I would often detach, escape, into this 1890 white-wooden-framed window… Thank you, Vincent.
I was overweight and often wore comfortable, baggy, masculine clothes. He said dresses did not look good on me. My hair was much shorter then. He said I didn’t look good with it longer.
I was trapped in that marriage, I always (erroneously) felt. From the beginning, it seemed. From the very, very hesitant, “I do” when I was six months pregnant. Twenty-four slow years of the same-old cycle (after cycle), same broken record played over and over.
I wanted to be the young lady in the painting. Mostly because she was far away from the cigarette-butt-and-beer-can scented patio. Mostly because I bet she could hear the birds singing. Mostly because I felt the freedom in the breeze that teased her tresses and hem.
When he finally agreed to leave once and for all, he took the painting. I think he knew…
My daughter wanted to get it back for me. Eventually, I asked too. He said no. This past Christmas, my daughter was going to get me a replica. I told her I don’t really want it anymore, that he ruined even that for me.
But then I realized, I didn’t need it anymore. Because I was now her.
Cussing cacophony chokes me. Into my secret garden, I escape; surrounded by white flowers and open air, I inhale both in deeply. If his bowl were not empty, the words would not be so nasty. A bottle smashes, but I know I will only be beaten verbally. I run farther into the open fields until all I can hear is the birds’ sweet euphony soothing me. The lady left behind is a statue of stone. Eventually, he will pass out cold. I’ll stay out here a while longer, tuck behind my ear a keepsake wildflower, run my fingers over the soft-tipped grasses, consider staying forever on the other side of this glass, but I can’t leave her. I head back. Morning rays have again made their rounds, but upon the wet pillow, a petal has drowned.
But that was then, and this is now.
Thank you, love, for the continuous cleaning of the mirrorsof my past, for your endless patience, for making meevery day blush calling me beautiful and princess, for being my rain and sun blooming me into this miracle of self-love .
There is no greater feeling (other than love, and perhaps forgiveness) than the way the heavens ever so slowly open in the last of the fading rumbles, parting clouds to reveal nothing more than the forgotten, that supreme is all, above and beyond this, that we never were alone through any of it; it makes me almost wish
for another storm…
I realize that this is that love and forgiveness aforementioned taking form.