Last night I fell asleep with my heart tongue-tied again, wanting, needing to convey this love I have inside, even though the one I love fully knows it because he feels it the same. Still, when that kind of love is alive inside of you, it makes you restless because it is too much, unable to be contained; it overflows constantly, moves me, to do something even more with it.
Imagine if we all loved. What we could make of this life, of this world, with all that excess… I believe love begets love which begets love. I believe love is the purpose of life.
Because I was struggling to convey this love with the limited ways we can express feelings and emotions in this life, in these bodies, I turned again to music. It is the only thing that transcends even poetry, takes the limits of the 26 letters and merges it with instrumental notes and voices straight from heaven itself.
I have yet to find a voice that transcends more to me than Calum Scott’s. But I haven’t had the opportunity to devote ample time into the things that move me until recently. I hope to find more such voices. (Recommendations welcome!!) I prefer the voices that transcend the body: pure soul and light able to be heard somehow as a gift from God to us to hold us over, as a glimpse of the more that is beyond.
I did not know Calum was discoverd on Britian’s Got Talent (2015), and his audition is way more moving than his professionally recorded versions. I love shows that aim to discover those gifted with such voices. In this audition, Calum performs after his sister who was booed and cut. She grew up loving to sing and got Calum singing; they have an incredible sibling bond and both are so close to their mother who is also at the audition. He is so nervous and so humble in this audition; he has no idea how good he is. What is most moving to me is how he keeps looking to his sister backstage for support, and her reactions during and after the performance.
He sings his (angelic, pure soul spilling out of a body) version of Robyn’s “Dancing on My Own.” I have played him singing this song (from his album) many times in my not-so-distant past. It embraces the pain and sadness that had resided in me, that I hid exceptionally well. I have always danced partnerless. But I kept dancing. All those years.
Now, I am loved by a partner beyond every dream I have ever spun, every wish I have ever made on the stars, every whisper I have ever uttered to moon. And it is Calum Scott who would best sing our love song I have not yet written.
I have always believed in the power of love. Of every kind of love. And now I am harnessing the power of the greatest possible romantic love. I plan to share that overflowing excess through my own talents and give back to others, everyone, the world, however small the impact. If I reach but one person who was me all those years, I have done my part.
I see her, that past me, broken on the cold bathroom tile, praying from my soul. I wish I could reassure her that He will indeed answer those prayers. Soon. When the timing is right. When she does her part. And that she will never become all she is meant to without going through it.
I will write our love song now. For Calum to sing.