Thank Goodness for Seasons

Thank goodness for seasons
and changing skies
to provide the movement
needed in our lives,

movement to bring in
and to carry away
the hopes and sighs
of the everyday.

The winds seem to change
to nudge emotional stagnancies
unbeknownst to us
thwarting the plans of Destiny,

for the blessings lined up for us
can only be received
if after the winters,
we can open our hearts
once more (and again)
to spring.

I’ve been thinking about how often we probably get in our own way of what our higher power is sending us, gifting us, blessing us with, how often we unknowingly brush that hand away. Can you imagine? What a loss!

My soul has always tended to lead me, followed by heart; brain is so competent, but it’s always been two against one. I know I’ve been a cosmically comical hot mess while praying in recent times. I try not to pray for anything, in the end of my emotional babble, because God knows all, knows my heart already, and I fully trust placing my life in His hands. But then I think (yay, brain gets a chance), what if certain things are dependent on how badly we want it or to be freed from it? It has been at the times in which I am emotionally rock bottom about something, when the pain is worse than I ever thought possible, when the pain seems to transcend the barriers of time and space, when I give it up so pathetically desperately, that something soon follows that, to me, will always be seen as a miracle, as 100% God intervening or gifting.

Maybe His timing is dependent on those prayers. Maybe we simply need to ask for help, simply need to give it up to Him. Maybe we just haven’t been doing that, haven’t been taking the time to fully being present on our knees. Maybe we haven’t hit emotional rock bottom yet because if you have, you know, you are doubled-over with the pain, in the fetal position, or on the floor. But when you are down there, I don’t think anything will change if you don’t fully give it all up to God; if you are just choosing to keep all of that pain in, refusing to let it go, to release it…I have never had a suicidal thought, but I do feel I’ve walked in those same shadows. I can’t imagine being a nonbeliever, not having that way out: to give it to God. I have never walked those shadows alone. Perhaps that is why I feel a calling to safely return and try to reach the others. But if only God can release them from their pain, I would need to be a piece of the bridge, and get others to join me, to connect with me, hand in hand, as a community. A thought about mental-health awareness and actively practicing out loud our faith.

Perhaps it is the growing notion that our beliefs be our own, to each our own, kept to ourselves, that is harming us individually and collectively. I am not one to preach; I do usually, due to my personal nature, keep my faith personal and private. I’ve only just begun saying the “G” word in my writing. I don’t have to preach though; I just have to reach someone. Show the ones in those shadows any kind of way out, back toward the light, back toward life. Perhaps that’s why I’ve experienced the pain in the first place. Or maybe I got in the way of God trying to lead me away from it for too long.

I have strayed, but not really. My Sunday morning thoughts were about the thankfulness of seasons because we need them, especially when we think we don’t. I had one of those rare rock-bottom emotional outcries recently. And just like that, another obvious Godly intervention is in the works; I feel it in these gusts of air, the wind telling me it is indeed time to fully place upon it that which I have been holding onto that I must surrender in order to receive. Sometimes, that moment in that stubborn resistance, changes your life’s trajectory… I shed one more tear and hesitantly release yet another unrequited, dead-end dream.

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