A sure sign of emotional/psychological healing and growth is the change in your prayers.
At the pivotal changing point in my life, God had very clearly answered a recent prayer I had delivered in tears on my knees in the locked bathroom at one my lowest points.
Since then, my prayers have mostly been gratitude, praise, and thanks. As I navigated future personal relationships, my prayers reflected the absolute hot mess I was. I think I heard God chuckle. While shaking His head. It’s been a very sloppy trial-and-error process of learning how to be in healthy relationships, none romantic, thank goodness; I think I am still eons away from being ready for that.
Last night was an emotionally upset prayer again. Usually, no matter how disappointed I get about something, after being mad at God even and pouting, I concede that He knows what He is doing, knows what’s best for me, knows what lies ahead for me. I unconditionally have always had faith in His plan and the timing of all the pieces. Last night, part of my prayer included the self-affirmation that I will never be ashamed of who I am. Who I truly am. The real, albeit often misunderstood, me. It was not a woe-is-me but an oh-well-for-them shift.
Lately, the statements and affirmations I’ve made out loud during God-talk has surprised me to hear. I have definitely healed and grown a lot. And I have definitely grown even closer to God. I’ve never written about Him until recently. But my faith is simply part of all that I am, that authentic me I’ve been excavating. My higher power is the only familiar presence who has always, always been there for me, one who knows my heart fully, and unconditionally loves me.
I can’t imagine looking back, before me, or ahead without Him there. What a bleak and lonely existence that would be. I no longer fear speaking of Him. If it is a sin to use His name in vain, I can’t imagine facing Him having resorted to no longer saying His name aloud at all from fear.
I believe in God. Unfollow or follow me as you see fit.
Thank you, God, for helping me build myself up from the rubble of those yesteryears, and thank you for who you’ve sent into my life for me to lean on during the process.
I will always have faith in you and the plans you have for me that I may never understand in this life.