I woke this morning with the burden of a something weighing on me. I immediately called upon God. I had to ask for something very specifically, something I rarely do, for I usually just have blind faith in His plan, having let go of trying to understand any of it. And when I talk to God these days, it is usually just to express gratitude for my blessings. He already answered my most desperate plea a couple years ago.
My prayer is often just randomly talking aloud to God at any time. (I still drop to my knees, hands folded, eyes closed, too, though.) I caught myself using this phrase this morning, “I’m just trying to take care of myself.” I think that statement surprised me, and I felt both myself and God smiling a bit. He was probably thinking, “Well, it is about time, my dear child.” Maybe I am slow to have things sink in. Maybe I get in the way of His plan way too much.
I am a mother of two. I was married to an alcoholic for decades. I am a peacemaker in my family tree. I am a people-pleaser. I don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings. I don’t like conflict. Only in the past couple of years have I started taking care of myself, most of that has been healing from all I have repressed and suppressed for as long as I can remember.
I felt that old weight upon me briefly this morning. After turning to God, I could not help but be distracted by the pinkish-orangish glow coming in through the blinds. It lured me outside. It doesn’t take much to do that though.
Here’s what I witnessed…
If you know anything at all about me, you know I am absolutely sky-obsessed. To add to this early-morning glory, the air temperature and humidity was refreshing due to yesterday evening’s brief but spectacular storm. The breeze whisked the colorful clouds along and roused my spirit, it fluttering in response deep inside.
What had been weighing on my mind and heart was nowhere to be found.
Soon, the refreshing, rinsing light rain came, though the sky remained sunny and bright blue. I knew what that meant and smiled in response to yet another double rainbow spanning my yard. The great thing about a rainbow is that it seems personal, like it is only in your yard, like it was sent specifically for you at the precise time you could use a little extra color and reminder.
On the side of my house, I can be completely under the trees. It is where my flower bushes are. It is a very tiny little paradise to me in my fantasy mind. Sadly, disease just took over the flower bushes, so photographing the last of the blooms was bittersweet. (I do not know anything about gardening; these were here when I moved in six years ago.)
Nature and life cycles though, and a new flower tree, among other new life, has bloomed in its place. I will have to replace these flower bushes though because they have become sentimental to me. The blooms in my yard all seem to coincide their individual opening at times that are significant to me.
I found this double bloom especially intriguing, to the eye and in its meaning, the story within…
The contrast of the rain and sun, the beauty of the blooms, the not-so-rare rainbow always seemingly nearby me these days…oh how far away they took me from my troubles. Yes, that morning worldly/material situation still exists, and I have to return to it. So is it worth escaping from it for a while? Yes! Because the composition of my stored tears threatening to spill over has changed. I am so filled with peace and awe and gratitude and joy; and that kind of overflow feels airy instead of heavy, helium instead of a yoke.
All of the weather changes made for quite the distraction. And that is how it always goes, what is so great to me about nature. The changes of seasons, the changes in weather, the changes in the sky, all of the creatures, flowers and waters, the beauty in details, the breathtaking views…it is all there for us, gifted so lovingly and generously for us, free of charge, accessible to all. I truly believe in nature’s healing powers, and I don’t know why its magic medicine is not taken by every single person. We only must observe it, breathe it in, cause it no harm.
I thought about putting up a new category, “Faith,” on my blog, but I realized, much like nature and inspiration, that faith is deeply ingrained and overlapping in everything for me. I am not a Jesus-preacher, not very religious, but I am deeply spiritual, and I have always, always had my higher power, God, right beside me. I have been through some dark and lonely times, but I have never been alone. And I have been resilient.
Because I have always had faith and nature. And to me, they are too intertwined to ever be separated.
Thank you, God, for all that you have so lovingly created.
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